I find myself very frustrated with my foolishness— with my words or my silence at times. Unable to crack that witty joke, or change the atmosphere correctly when things go “too far”. I find many moments of internal smh’s or moments where I want to give myself a good smack on the head, daily, when I reflect back on certain moments added to the never-ending list of “things I never should have said”, especially if I claim I love God. But even in those stupid moments of big-headed, puffed-up chested, and “pride” stamped on my heart and my words, or those moments when I smiled awkwardly with “saysomethingsaysomethingsaysomething” running through my head, I realize there is no dwelling place for that.
Today is a new day. I thank Him for His salvation that redeems a wretched woman like me, I know I have more than enough faults and weaknesses that keep me from being perfect, and I have to lay down control, beg The Lord to guide my words and thoughts again and to forgive me each time this evil monster and my swelling pride rears its ugly boastful head. And to look at Him and walk forward believing and trusting in His goodness that which each step and many backsteps and tango salsa dances and leaps and mostly times of falling, maybe someday I could be like Him, even in His words and love. To delight when He smiles through the smiles of loved ones, of the broken finding restoration, of prayers being answered. And to mourn for the things that break His heart more than mine ever could- like the lives of hundreds lost and thousands of family members having their hearts wrenched every minute in a ferry accident, millions of people in an oppressed nation in starvation and with one wrong act could be sent to a concentration camp, or the daughters you have created stuck in cycles of poverty and chains, selling their bodies d ay by day and treated as products for sex. Your heart breaks more than any humans could, teach me the ways of your compassion and your furious love for your people lost and stuck in darkness.
Use one as foolish, as idiotic as me, who messes up on the daily, for any of your kingdom work that maybe even today, I may see Your smile. Watch over the destitute, the broken, the weeping, the uh-goo-rae, and arise your church to be a true light of love of justice.